I think I might have a slight eating disorder...

This is kind of a hard confession I have to make, so please bear with me...

I've been on a diet since I was 12. After I got the chicken pox (I got them at a relatively late age), I suddenly realized I was fat. My mom encouraged me to go on a diet. From then until I was 16, I would drink Slim Fasts for breakfast and lunch. After that, I stopped eating breakfast and lunch. I'd have good days and bad days--A good day was when I was successfully not able to gorge myself at dinnertime and eat a small, "healthy" meal. Unfortunately, most days were bad days: I'd eat until I was full. During the summer it was almost always worse, because my stepmom is a health nut and is always trying to make us "eat right".

Snacking was (and still is) my weakness. If I'm at home, and there's food nearby, I'm going to eat it. Cheez-its are the bane of my existence (I often use the name as a swear word when I'm really frustrated about something, hence the title of my blog). I discovered pickles in my senior year. They don't have any calories (something I've always counted), so I can eat as many as I want without "consequences".

When college came around, I got to experience dining hall food (which at my school is noted for being really good). I lived off of Life cereal and yellow Powerade. If I had a test, I'd go to the 24 hour dining hall and get some bacon and eggs. That's pretty much it. When I sprained my ankle my sophomore year, I couldn't walk, much less exercise, so I ended up gaining a lot of weight (around 15 pounds, I think). When I posted a picture on a music forum, they ended up tearing me to shreds in regards to my weight and my acne. Any confidence I had went out the window with that. To exacerbate the situation, my boyfriend (at the time) was constantly telling me that I needed to lose weight, about how much sexier I'd be if I'd just be skinnier and had a tighter ass.

When I moved to Germany for a year, I didn't eat anything (I'm a picky eater naturally, and German food and I didn't really get along all that well), except for a tiny snack in the evening. I also walked everywhere, so I ended up losing about 15 pounds. I was thrilled. Then I got the swine flu, and ended up losing 15 more pounds. I was even more thrilled. My friends would make jokes about how I never ate anything, but it always seemed like I was eating too much all the time. I was afraid for the rest of the year that I would gain too much weight and lose all my "sexiness".

I've been back in the States for about 6 months now, and I've definitely gained weight. And I'm really not ok with it. I keep trying to exercise and eat well, but exercising makes you hungry, so I end up eating more than before I started exercising.

I've never eaten anything without feeling guilty about it. I know that I have a problem (though it really kinda took a friend pointing it out to me), and the rational me keeps telling me that I'm perfectly fine the way I am, and if someone doesn't like me when I'm not completely skinny, then they're not worth my time.

But the voices of my ex, my family, and all the people who've called me fat and ugly (and there are plenty more of those than people who've said I'm pretty / just fine the way I am) are so much louder, and sound so much more truthful to me. So I feel fat as I eat my piece of bread for dinner, and try my best to just lose 30 more pounds ("ideal" weight for my size is 110 pounds), and maybe I'll feel pretty again and people will think I'm sexy.

tl;dr - I'm trying to accept my body, but I'm somewhat anorexic (plus bingeing), and it's hard to change. Thanks for reading my rant.